Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Not sure why all the Right To Hike and other such events make me feel hot all I'm going to rage-cry. I donate to the Humane Society and Mere's martial arts charity...these things ARE important to me, but I can't imagine being at something like that. All those people...together thinking about her at once. It should be beautiful to me, but the idea scares me to death. It reminds me of her funeral (memorial) where the whole time I felt I was going to crawl out of my own skin.

I know I should be more over this. People die every day. People have lost their loved ones in worse ways. We were only friends for three years.

But you can't make me go.

I think I'm stuck in the wrong stage of grief.

Friday, August 28, 2009

And a meditation I posted elsewhere, but not here

This is kind of odd, but I wanted to pass it along, in case it helps anyone else who is grieving. A little while ago, I watched the Pianist; I'm sure you've all heard of it...with Adrien Brody playing a Polish Jew in the Warsaw ghetto. i know plenty about grandfather fought in it, I've read plenty of books, taken the classes, seen Schindlers List...none of them touched me like this movie

I cannot be so callous as to describe my own experience as being like that of the Jews in the Nazi occupations, but what the movie did make me feel was a sense of kinship for a person who was forced to live through a person (in his case ALL of his people) dying in an inexplicable and entirely inhumane way. I was left, after watching the movie, with a burning need to reconcile understand in my mind how anyone could justify something like an extermination camp. One person, like can say they are crazy and wash your hands. But to convince so many other people that such feelingless murder was okay?

Somehow, in all my reading on the subject that I did that week (Towards the beginning of December 2008) I touched into something that helped...this discovery of what happens when a person, or group of people, is allowed to be incomplete or unfinished. Germany was broken, wounded and starving to be fixed. They were looking for something to fill their hole, their wound.

Mere's death was inexplicable...and she was used, like a resource, to fill an unfinishable whole in a broken soul. GMH will always be broken...always looking for something to make it better. In this case, Mere was a means to a few more hundreds (he hoped) and if not, three hots and a cot for the rest of his life. Sometimes in life, those things that are complete and are beautiful are gobbled up by the empty things. In Germany's case, it was a broken nation, looking for its own identity...trying to define itself by what it was not.

And sometimes we are forced to live through senseless and carnivorous death and are unable to do anything about it.

Except to tell their stories. The fact that I can help Mere in this way, to keep her alive and give her life for those who were never touched by it directly; it is a gift. Some people have to die for their people, and others have to live so those that came before can never die.
I haven't used this journal in forever, but here goes.

I want to tell a certain person to stop. You are obsessed and you are giving this person, this evil person, power over your heart and your soul through your obsession. You say Meredith has become deeply important to you. If that is the case, please know that dedicating so much of your life to her killer is not what she would have wanted.

Your thoughts of her are beautiful, and I'm sure they are sincere, but you are chasing down a dark path when the light is in your lap. GMH is where he cannot hurt anyone again. Slowly things will rise to the surface and more people will find peace.

By your obsession with him and his crimes, you are giving him power, the kind of remaining power that notorious serial killers crave and RECEIVE, but never deserve.

Stop. Release. Let those who can be objective about it, who are not whole-heartedly emotionally invested in it take over now.

Spend that time in your soul with Mere, not the evil that took her from us.

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

For those reading here for updates, I'm sorry, but i don't think I can do this anymore. When this first happened, relating what was going on gave me a since of purpose...gave me the chance to get it out of my heart.

Now, for the place I'm in, every time I talk about it, its like its a sliver of glass worming deeper into my heart.

I'm taking myself off my news emailers for news on this story. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. It helped in the beginning, and now its just making things worse.

Many of you said I was strong for relating the news as I went; I still maintain that this was a symptom of my weakness. If I was telling others, I didn't have to sit on it, let it affect me. It could just pour out and then I could look at it from a distance.

The more visceral this crime becomes, the more I have to re-acknowledge that it is real. The this happened to someone I loved. What was a source of solace has become a reaffirmation of pain.

No more. Not for now, at least.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

I feel sick.

And now I can't stop crying.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

New info here in the 'tracking a killer' videos on the righthand side

The things that stand out for me are:
1.Meredith managed to disarm GMH of the baton AND the hunting knife. He then used a pellet gun that looked like a real gun to keep her under control
2.She was in the van the majority of the time, rather than kept tied up against a tree for three days, as I had worried.
3.At one point, he had her hike with him
From other articles I have learned that she made him go back for Ella when he tried to leave Ella in the car. Some speculate that the authorities would have known she was not on the mountain if she had left Ella in the car, but considering the cold, its also quite possible Ella could have frozen to death. Again we have GMH caring for dogs more than people.

I thought about her a lot this weekend when I was up in the mountains. I thought about how we talked about her coming with us and the children on our next trip to disney world.

I was a real goober and wrote the band who's music has really been helping me cope to let them know how much I appreciated the music. I got a really cool response from them, too. Music is the last true magic, they said. I feel that. I listen to music that Mere loved, or music that reminds me of her, and I get to feel close to her again.