tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18632069731523333902024-03-08T15:52:41.205-08:00Musings on MeredithLolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-76793309263233890422009-09-30T05:37:00.001-07:002009-09-30T05:38:16.651-07:00Not sure why all the Right To Hike and other such events make me feel hot all over...like I'm going to rage-cry. I donate to the Humane Society and Mere's martial arts charity...these things ARE important to me, but I can't imagine being at something like that. All those people...together thinking about her at once. It should be beautiful to me, but the idea scares me to death. It reminds me of her funeral (memorial) where the whole time I felt I was going to crawl out of my own skin.<br /><br />I know I should be more over this. People die every day. People have lost their loved ones in worse ways. We were only friends for three years.<br /><br />But you can't make me go.<br /><br />I think I'm stuck in the wrong stage of grief.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-54918636640572277552009-08-28T18:59:00.000-07:002009-08-28T19:02:48.432-07:00And a meditation I posted elsewhere, but not hereThis is kind of odd, but I wanted to pass it along, in case it helps anyone else who is grieving. A little while ago, I watched the Pianist; I'm sure you've all heard of it...with Adrien Brody playing a Polish Jew in the Warsaw ghetto. i know plenty about WWII...my grandfather fought in it, I've read plenty of books, taken the classes, seen Schindlers List...none of them touched me like this movie<br /><br />I cannot be so callous as to describe my own experience as being like that of the Jews in the Nazi occupations, but what the movie did make me feel was a sense of kinship for a person who was forced to live through a person (in his case ALL of his people) dying in an inexplicable and entirely inhumane way. I was left, after watching the movie, with a burning need to reconcile it...to understand in my mind how anyone could justify something like an extermination camp. One person, like GMH...you can say they are crazy and wash your hands. But to convince so many other people that such feelingless murder was okay?<br /><br />Somehow, in all my reading on the subject that I did that week (Towards the beginning of December 2008) I touched into something that helped...this discovery of what happens when a person, or group of people, is allowed to be incomplete or unfinished. Germany was broken, wounded and starving to be fixed. They were looking for something to fill their hole, their wound.<br /><br />Mere's death was inexplicable...and she was used, like a resource, to fill an unfinishable whole in a broken soul. GMH will always be broken...always looking for something to make it better. In this case, Mere was a means to a few more hundreds (he hoped) and if not, three hots and a cot for the rest of his life. Sometimes in life, those things that are complete and are beautiful are gobbled up by the empty things. In Germany's case, it was a broken nation, looking for its own identity...trying to define itself by what it was not.<br /><br />And sometimes we are forced to live through senseless and carnivorous death and are unable to do anything about it.<br /><br />Except to tell their stories. The fact that I can help Mere in this way, to keep her alive and give her life for those who were never touched by it directly; it is a gift. Some people have to die for their people, and others have to live so those that came before can never die.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-67522364486391812672009-08-28T18:51:00.000-07:002009-08-28T18:57:01.005-07:00I haven't used this journal in forever, but here goes.<br /><br />I want to tell a certain person to stop. You are obsessed and you are giving this person, this evil person, power over your heart and your soul through your obsession. You say Meredith has become deeply important to you. If that is the case, please know that dedicating so much of your life to her killer is not what she would have wanted.<br /><br />Your thoughts of her are beautiful, and I'm sure they are sincere, but you are chasing down a dark path when the light is in your lap. GMH is where he cannot hurt anyone again. Slowly things will rise to the surface and more people will find peace. <br /><br />By your obsession with him and his crimes, you are giving him power, the kind of remaining power that notorious serial killers crave and RECEIVE, but never deserve.<br /><br />Stop. Release. Let those who can be objective about it, who are not whole-heartedly emotionally invested in it take over now.<br /><br />Spend that time in your soul with Mere, not the evil that took her from us.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-84868481627625345332009-02-12T20:33:00.000-08:002009-08-28T18:57:40.032-07:00WelcomeLolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-3306919571556780052008-03-25T05:54:00.000-07:002008-03-25T06:03:09.955-07:00For those reading here for updates, I'm sorry, but i don't think I can do this anymore. When this first happened, relating what was going on gave me a since of purpose...gave me the chance to get it out of my heart.<br /><br />Now, for the place I'm in, every time I talk about it, its like its a sliver of glass worming deeper into my heart.<br /><br /><br />I'm taking myself off my news emailers for news on this story. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. It helped in the beginning, and now its just making things worse.<br /><br />Many of you said I was strong for relating the news as I went; I still maintain that this was a symptom of my weakness. If I was telling others, I didn't have to sit on it, let it affect me. It could just pour out and then I could look at it from a distance.<br /><br />The more visceral this crime becomes, the more I have to re-acknowledge that it is real. The this happened to someone I loved. What was a source of solace has become a reaffirmation of pain.<br /><br />No more. Not for now, at least.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-44085634327090973612008-03-22T17:34:00.001-07:002008-03-22T18:21:32.950-07:00I feel sick.<br />http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/atlanta/stories/2008/03/22/hilton_0323.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab<br /><br /><br /><br />And now I can't stop crying.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-77213717864453165292008-03-19T12:46:00.000-07:002008-03-19T12:54:09.628-07:00New info here in the 'tracking a killer' videos on the righthand side<br />http://www.wyff4.com/news/15425488/detail.html?taf=gs<br /><br />The things that stand out for me are:<br />1.Meredith managed to disarm GMH of the baton AND the hunting knife. He then used a pellet gun that looked like a real gun to keep her under control<br />2.She was in the van the majority of the time, rather than kept tied up against a tree for three days, as I had worried.<br />3.At one point, he had her hike with him<br /> From other articles I have learned that she made him go back for Ella when he tried to leave Ella in the car. Some speculate that the authorities would have known she was not on the mountain if she had left Ella in the car, but considering the cold, its also quite possible Ella could have frozen to death. Again we have GMH caring for dogs more than people.<br /><br />I thought about her a lot this weekend when I was up in the mountains. I thought about how we talked about her coming with us and the children on our next trip to disney world.<br /><br />I was a real goober and wrote the band who's music has really been helping me cope to let them know how much I appreciated the music. I got a really cool response from them, too. Music is the last true magic, they said. I feel that. I listen to music that Mere loved, or music that reminds me of her, and I get to feel close to her again.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-39060731724103134622008-03-05T21:11:00.000-08:002008-03-05T21:21:42.160-08:00I need to stop reading about this. Last night I learned that Mere spent the last night of her life tied to a tree. I can also satisfy your question, Crickie, as to why no one heard her screaming or kicking in the van at that wafflehouse. It is most likely she was tied up in the woods at that point, not in the van.<br /><br />So now I'm stuck thinking all day about what she was thinking that night. Mere would have been waiting for him to screw up, make a mistake, get free...but she would have been so sleepy :(<br /><br />Mere was always falling asleep; I forget she was so much younger than the rest of us...right out of college and doing so much with her life. We would all be chattering away and look over and Mere would be snoozing on the blue chair, or curled up in one of the bean bags like a sleepy kitten. She would also get tipsy on one glass of wine. You know, I didn't think about it until she was gone, but that was a long drive she was making to and from my house on the interstate every wednesday. And she drove home from work first to pick up Ella. She used to laugh because as soon as they reached the BP close to our house, Ella would perk up because she knew where they were going and she was going to get PUPPY PLAYTIME!<br /><br />How many times did I drive to her apartment? Twice? Its funny how you don't realize how much someone was giving you until its taken away.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-7788770870415077262008-02-28T20:19:00.001-08:002008-02-29T07:59:52.981-08:00They're officially charging GMH for the murder of Cheryl Dunlap.<br />http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2008/02/28/hilton_0229.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab<br />http://www.wsbtv.com/news/15442083/detail.html<br /><br />On the radio they are saying they will probably be seeking the death penalty.<br /><br /><br />Now why is it when I see this horrible news story about this couple starving their five month old to death, all I can think about is Mere. The two stories aren't even remotely related; there was no evidence that Mere was starved.<br /><br />Maybe its just how helpless I feel. Like something could have been done so easily, but wasn't.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-83348429830662368642008-02-25T18:33:00.000-08:002008-02-25T18:46:32.535-08:00Something keeps bugging me. I have been making a real effort not to blame law enforcement in all of this. I know that they didn't want to directly name GMH as a suspect so that he would come out of the woodwork, and they did GET him, so it could have been a lot worse.<br /><br />But why weren't they keeping track of Mere's bank transactions? Shouldn't that be standard for a missing person? Thats WHY Mere kept giving him the wrong pin numbers..so the bank could see that someone had been trying to use her card and failing, and the *locations*. When your wallet gets stolen, credit and debit cards companies are immediately tracking attempts at transactions; why weren't they doing this?<br /><br />Because if they had been, they could have saved her. I know, coulda woulda shoulda. I shouldn't think like that...People like to tell me, "You shouldn't be thinking about that" and when I do allow myself to think about it and actually converse about it with a close friend, it winds up being a dark, creepy crawly and morose conversation, like the one I had with Marisa the other night.<br /><br />But I was so damned angry when they said over and over again 'No evidence of foul play" when we all KNEW she wasn't on that mountain...We blindly hoped we were wrong, but nothing was right about the situation up there. Nothing made sense.<br /><br />I just want to know why something so simple wasn't done. Why didn't they save her? Why can't I call her right now and tell her PS I Love You is showing at the dollar theatre and we should go. ..or geek about Oscar dresses on GR...or see My Mother's Castle together (We watched My Father's Glory in mid November and were supposed to watch the sequel after she got back from Denver. Its one of my very favorite movies, and I rarely get to see it with anyone without subtitles) we were supposed to see La Mome together at Cine, but never got the chance, so we were going to rent it. Never going to happen.<br /><br />And, completely inappropriate lyrics, but this song has been stuck in my head all day.<br /><object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/i-Oi8WnVELo&rel=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/i-Oi8WnVELo&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-53045156981047838742008-02-23T05:19:00.000-08:002008-02-23T05:35:42.038-08:00You know, its a hard balance. I hear strangers who never met her say, "I feel like I knew her" and my first reaction is to lash out. Its a very base reaction, animal..."No, this is my pain, my friend; you can't have her."<br /><br />Then I think about her parents, Julia...her family in France. I'm just her Wednesday night junk-tv pal; am I trying to steal their pain by grieving? There is surely enough "pain" to go around 9_9<br /><br />When Steve and I had our 'argument' he said to me, at one point, "Meredith was the only one who ever loved me." It really struck me, because when he said it, not for a moment did I doubt it. When I was talking to my mother about it she said, "Meredith was probably the only one who loved a lot of people."<br /><br />This is very true. I think that is why so many people have been drawn to her story, drawn to her...why she is a daughter, sister, friend to so many who never met her. Meredith had an amazing capacity to love. I think that has become evident to strangers all over the globe.<br /><br />I am not a perfect being. I have fought back the desire to say things like "You didn't know her like I did." But it would be dishonest to Mere to let that thought have any sort of authority. I guess I just have to acknowledge that its there, lest I seem benevolent.<br /><br />So what was this post inspired by? There's a person who is supposedly 'channeling' Mere to try to find evidence about GMH. This really makes me angry. Even if I believed he could do this (Which I don't) How dare he drag her back into this after all she went through?<br /><br />Then I read poems he has written for Mere and Ella, and I realize that this is a sick person. A different kinf of sick than Hilton himself, but there is definitely a wound there, festering into this overflow. I have quashed my anger, and hope that he seeks help.<br /><br />So if you read this, Mr. Adams, please find help. You don't need to be the helper right now; there is something inside of you that needs healing. Please try to focus on that for a while.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-15189768653641319082008-02-20T17:43:00.000-08:002008-02-22T09:16:48.325-08:00I did something stupid today. I was talking to Stever (Meredith's boyfriend) and we had agreed to exchange some photos. I went through my hair tutorials and some old snaps I had of her playing with the children and sent them off to him. I was actually pretty okay with it all. I have looked at these photos a million times and let them upset me, but today I was feeling happy about them. Then Steve sent me back one line, "God I miss her" which I didn't even see at first(Because of the way my gmail is configured) Then I read it and it was like instant tears EVERYWHERE. I went to sleep (The baby was napping) and proceeded to nap for 4.5 hours. In the middle of the day. I cried myself to sleep and then slept like the dead. When I woke up, poor Munch (well, sort of poor Munch) had been playing video games the WHOLE time and The Baby had crawled in bed with me and was tapping my forehead.<br /><br />Then Joy called and cancelled Munch's playdate for Luke tomorrow. Then I realize it was Wednesday and the house wasn't clean, and, considering the mood I was in, didn't look to GET clean. I started crying again, out of frustration, and Munch came upstairs, and without even asking what was wrong, said, "I miss Meredith, too, Momma."<br /><br />I don't deserve them sometimes, I really don't. I made them 'noodles and sauce' for dinner (Just maceroni with red sauce and parmesan) and then took them to the store, where they chattered happily to one another in the truck shaped shopping cart and pretended they were UPS guys.<br /><br />Now they are in the bath playing...and I am listening to them and realizing I have done nothing of worth today, except maybe love them. I guess that makes a day worth living.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-76754957562381334072008-02-15T06:55:00.000-08:002008-02-15T07:13:05.252-08:00Two interesting new articles. Apparently as part of his plea baragin to talk, Hilton insured Dandy would have a good home.<br /><br />Why does this monster have to have a good side. Its so much easier to blindly hate...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.ajc.com/news/content/news/stories/2008/02/10/hiltonticktock02101.html?cxntlid=inform">here</a> and<br /><br /><a href="http://www.ajc.com/news/content/metro/gwinnett/stories/2008/02/13/dandy_0214.html?cxntlid=homepage_tab_newstab">here</a><br /><br />Oh, and another new one <a href="http://tallahassee.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080214/NEWS01/802140322">here</a> Looks like they may have enough evidence soon to definitively link him to Cheryl Dunlap and the BryantsLolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-4744049500942144572008-02-14T09:47:00.000-08:002008-02-14T09:52:06.859-08:00So I got on a downhill roll about two days ago, kept getting into these circular thoughts I keep thinking eventually I will get to talk to her again, and then reality slaps me...and then I think of it again...and reality again. Ugh, This culminated in me calling her voicemail for her phone, (which isn't disconnected yet) hearing her voice and leaving this looong ranty sobby message for...no one. But it helped. Then I called Stephen and had the best conversation I've had with Stephen in a while (He's been studying for his final med school exam, I've been a lump of cottage cheese...you know how it is) It was nice. I felt much better. I felt so much better that when I got hom and had a friend link me this, I was able to just smile wanly and say, "Mere (Who had her degree in French, for those unaware) would have found this completely hysterical" and move on with my day.<br /><br />Hurray ;)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="373"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FUVagbFcSUU&rel=1&border=1"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FUVagbFcSUU&rel=1&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="373"></embed></object>Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-63959097425258713972008-02-13T06:30:00.000-08:002008-02-13T06:34:23.953-08:00As I was listening to this album on the way to the library today, I remembered this was one of Mere's favorite song, and the time she went to see Ani even though she had a sinus infection<br /><br /><br /><em>Not a Pretty Girl lyrics<br /><br />I am not a pretty girl</em><br /><em>that is not what I do</em><br /><em>I ain't no damsel in distess</em><br /><em>and I don't need to be rescued</em><br /><em>so put me down punk</em><br /><em>maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair</em><br /><em>isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I am not an angry girl</em><br /><em>but it seems like I've got everyone fooled</em><br /><em>every time I say something they find hard to hear</em><br /><em>they chalk it up to my anger</em><br /><em>and never to their own fear</em><br /><em>and imagine you're a girl</em><br /><em>just trying to finally come clean</em><br /><em>knowing full well they'd prefer youwere dirty</em><br /><em> and smiling</em><br /><em>and I am sorry</em><br /><em>I am not a maiden fair</em><br /><em>and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>[Ani DiFranco, Not a Pretty Girl lyrics and video on </em><a href="http://crocmusic.com/"><em>http://crocmusic.com/</em></a><em>]</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>and generally my generation</em><br /><em>wouldn't be caught dead working for the man</em><br /><em>and generally I agree with them</em><br /><em>trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan</em><br /><em>and I have earned my disillusionment</em><br /><em>I have been working all of my life</em><br /><em>and I am a patriot</em><br /><em>I have been fighting the good fight</em><br /><em>and what if there are no damsels in distress</em><br /><em>what if I knew that and I called your bluff?</em><br /><em>don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down</em><br /><em>whether or not you ever show up</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>I am not a pretty girl</em><br /><em>I don't want to be a pretty girl</em><br /><em>no I want to be more than a pretty girl</em><br /><br />A little ironic, no?Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-41711258152050359462008-02-12T14:51:00.000-08:002008-02-12T14:52:21.222-08:00Man, I don't know if I should have done this. Just cut and pasting all of that...I feel as low as pavement.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-75794015219622942442008-02-12T13:26:00.002-08:002008-02-12T13:27:07.896-08:0002/10/08They found John Bryant's body..the male half of the missing hiking couple associated with GMH. His head was found 20 feet from his body. This seems to be this wacko's MO, but could help to attach him to the murder.<br /><br />Apparently the Bryants were also wonderful, amazing 'shirt-off-your-back' kind of people. I'm just glad that Mere's case being so high profile, their family is probably going to be able to find more closure by knowing their friends/parents' killer is incarcerated and will never be free.<br /><br />Also, Hilton is talking a little. At the spot where they found the water bottle and the leash there was an extended struggle. Mere fought very hard, but Hilton had not one but two weapons (Baton and hunting knife) and was eventually able to overcome her.<br /><br />Had Mere not been the person she was, so loved, so loving, and if she had not fought and made him leave those clues behind (baton and her things so close together) people may not have made the connection between the man with the baton (who they later identified as GMH) and people would not have recognized the white van which had switched license plates. She had the world in love with her (and rightfully so) and so people everywhere were looking.<br /><br />Her struggles, though her life ended, were not in vane. This is a man who would keep on killing until he was stopped. He has nothing to live for...so he was just taking what he needed until he was caught. Mere obviously knew he was going to kill her as soon as he got the money (As he did the Bryants) and wouldn't give him her pin numbers, even though it made him angry. She was hoping we would find him, rescue her. And we were just a few hours too late. But though we didn't rescue Mere, we did rescue countless others that would have come after her. The kind hearted, those willing to talk to a strange man with no teeth on a cold day.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-81673130162369460932008-02-12T13:26:00.001-08:002008-02-12T13:26:31.267-08:0002/09/08If I could stop having dreams about trying to protect Meredith from demons and failing, that would be great, kk?<br /><br />/woke up looking like I'd been swimming<br />//hot soothing bath didn't help my psyche for shitLolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-48289208702907878742008-02-12T13:24:00.000-08:002008-02-12T13:25:08.708-08:0001/31/08<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/manage/subscriptions/entry.bml?journal=christhegeek&itemid=723185" title="Track This"><img src="http://stat.livejournal.com/img/style/3column/trackcomments.gif" title="Track This" alt="Track This" border="0" /></a> <div class="entrytext"><p> <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/01/31/hilton.plea/index.html">this.</a><br /><br />Ironically, this is the first day Munch has brought up Meredith's death directly. There has been a few moments...last Friday, out of nowhere, "That bad man...he's never going to get out of jail, is he?" And while making crepes, "Oh, I just thought of something really sad. Meredith isn't going to get to use the crepe make we got her. I hope her family brings it home with them and uses it."<br /><br />Today he said, simply, "I really miss Meredith. Its sad that she died."<br /><br />I said something mommy-like about how we were lucky to get to know her while she was here and that she lead a good life. <br /><br />Munch said, "Yeah...but its still really sad.<br /><br />Me: Yes, it is. And its okay to be really sad about it.<br /><br />Munch: Yeah, I know.<br /><br />*lots of silence*</p> </div>Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-69696540185873074882008-02-12T13:22:00.001-08:002008-02-12T13:24:03.195-08:0001/27/08Days like today remind me of what a Camelot existence I lead. I woke up to baby feet in my face and a request, "Beakfast?" which was followed by toast making and jam spreading. Munch got up and he and The Baby played in the fort they made yesterday while Munch peppered me with 'Favorite' questions, his new 'thing' (What's your favorite thing to do? What's your favorite band? What's your favorite song?) and the discussion that snaked around these questions filled the house. The Baby threw a 2-yr-old tantrum at having to get dressed and screamed from house to car, but was then content on our drive to church.<br /><br />We had the coolest sunday school class; we're studying the reformation through paintings for the age of enlightenment, and there was an art history prof who came from the university and explained the absolute coolest shit about these paintings...how just looking at the moulding on the walls could place your perspective on the painting to show that, were you in the scene, you would have to be *kneeling* to see what you are seeing, etc. Also that the way the people were holding their body formed the shape of a proscenium, which contained the most important message, which those outside of this physical arch were the secondary characters...Very cool.<br /><br />Then service was hilarious...zomg, the music was so bad today! But in such a deliciously bad way...two of the members were trying to modernize the service with some of their own compositions and it was like listening to Yanni music with Ace of Base singing lead... Munch was kind of bemused by the whole thing while The Baby had to be removed at one point for taking off socks and shoes and making a mad dash for the front of the sanctuary. "THIIIIIIS WAAAAAY, MOMMMY!"<br /><br />(added)<br /><br />We had a guest pastor, who was the mommy of one of Munch's closest preschool friends, Caroline. The sermon was mainly about being a mom and trying not to let your pride keep you from asking for help. We are a community for a reason, and we moms...well, sometimes we feel that we have to be the great, grand crusaders of awesomesauce who never need help EVER. She related a story of her trying to get Caroline (who was about two) into the car when Caleb was a newborn, diaper bag swinging, babe in arms crying and caroline suction cupped to the pavement, "Nooooo, I don't want to GOOOOOO!" and someone asking her if she needed help. "Oh no, I've got it," she stammered, as she bent down to pick up caroline and the diaper bag swung around and biffed baby Caleb in the face.<br /><br />"Actually," said the stranger, "I don't think you do..." and picked up Caroline and carried her, kicking and screaming to the car.<br /><br />Sometimes we really need that person. It sucks, and society tells us to lash out at them; how dare she imply I'm weak!?!?<br /><br />But how many times have I relied on all of you? How many times have I had to call Crickie, or Mom, or Kevin and say, "Come spend time with my kids because I'm about to scream my head off?<br />(/added)<br /><br /><br />I talked to my friend Marie, who just finally got a new job after years of the same horrible slog, and she is positively glowing, as is her partner. Seeing those people, who have worked so hard and are SO deserving of some good fortune actually *receive* it...well, its nice :)<br /><br />We came home, had leftover pizza for lunch, then Munch took his video game time while The Baby and I napped.<br /><br />After our naps, the boys wanted to go outside and blow bubbles, which I set them up to do. Munch and The Baby took turns with the bubble machine while the other used a 'sword' to attack the resulting bubbles, some of which were as big as my head.<br /><br />I kept an eye on them while I dissected the chicken Blix had boiled, separating the white meat out for a chicken pie for dinner (which is cooking now) and the dark meat for another dish later this week, and extraneous scary bits to add to the stock. Its so therapeutic to make stock...chopping the onions, carrots, turnips and cellery and then simmering all that delicious goodness until your whole house smells like veggies and salt.<br /><br />And now I'm talking to you people, which will be followed by more fort building and then pie eating, and then a trip to the store to buy milk so we can have 'rich chocolatey ovaltine' for dessert.<br /><br />And it comes back to a pleasant thought; my life wouldn't be this good if Mere hadn't been a part of it. How many of us can say that? Plenty. Stars in her crown.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-42427460693037073412008-02-12T13:21:00.001-08:002008-02-12T13:21:34.916-08:0001/21/08Warning: Gruesome and sad<br /><br />Some idiot who might be considered an aquaintence of mine felt the need to drop me an email a few days ago to let me know that they found Mere's head not only separately (Which we all knew) but sitting up on a tree stump, facing the cops when GMH brought them to it. It REALLY upset me that night...I'm not sure how it makes it different...but it does....then last night I started thinking about it again, when I read an email from Kim's mom.<br /><br />I keep running into her in my life...scrolling down through my cellphone...Mere is right above 'mom'....whom I call most often. Logic would dictate I would just remove her.. its not like I can call her, but I won't. And her Mii...roaming around the other miis on our wii...I want to tell this stupid little cartoon figure..."You look so happy. Did you know you're dead? Did you know they found your head on a tree stump?"<br /><br />I barely slept last night. Blix even got up with the kids so I could catch up this morning, but I woke up and immediately started thinking of how cold it must have been, how cold she must have been.<br /><br />I want to hug her. I want to hug her and tell her about her memorial...about how much we all loved her. People who didn't even KNOW her fell in love with her. Her laugh...she didn't have this musical laugh or this pretty laugh...she had this kind of goofy, "You would think she was pretending if you couldn't tell there was NO WAY she was pretending" kind of laugh, and I'm never going to hear it. But i want to tell her, "Mere, I love your laugh." And I want to hug her and hug her.<br /><br />And I want to say something...to someone. I want to talk about it...and sometimes I do...all in a rush because I feel like the person listening shouldn't have to hear it...Kevin, Marisa, Blix...Its not like THEY aren't sad. It isn't like I'm not just kicking up feelings THEY were trying to get over. Then I shut up because I'm embarassed. Or I won't talk about it when my mother asks, but when my hairdresser asks? It all comes out :( And then today I didn't want to talk about it at all, but I got a phone call, spoke to an old neighbor and got an email from people offering condolences and I just want to hang up, turn away, delete the email.<br /><br />I remember when Larry died, and Munch was two. I got the news and started crying and Munch ran into the room and hugged me and said, "Its okay, Mama. No monsters!"<br /><br />But there are monsters. Apparently.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-77639297891565559012008-02-12T13:19:00.002-08:002008-02-12T13:20:13.587-08:0001/17/08A few things I have learned today:<br /><br />1. The Baby knows how to alter the trajectory of his bowling ball to pick up spares in wii bowling<br />2. The Baby would rather play wii sports than do just about anything else on this planet<br />3. It is possible to play wii tennis with a two year old and play tug of war with a dog/rag bone at the same time<br />4.Wii golf is not as easy for a 2 yr old as wii bowling and wii tennis<br />5. Seeing Mere's mii come up on wii baseball is really depressing<br />6. Reading Courderoy to The Baby and realizing Mere gave it to him for Xmas is also really depressing<br />7.I am a better doggie momma having lost Mere. Focusing on her love for Ella has made me realize how much I've been neglecting Saki. We've been bonding. N'stuff.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-9012623560179892422008-02-12T13:19:00.001-08:002008-02-12T13:53:50.793-08:0001/16/08I thought tonight was going to suck. Tonight normally Mere would be over and the dogs would be playing and we would be eating brownies, or popcorn, or pitas and red pepper humus, and watching something terrible on TV...Marisa and Heather might be there, too and by this point in the evening, we would be talking about something silly, like erection directionality or something equally mindless.<br /><br />But, you know, that wasn't going to happen, so...<br /><br />I made crepes, and fed myself and the kids. Blix was stuck in nasty weather for an hour and a half and got home to cold crepe (Which was tasty but not what it was when warm)<br /><br />And then...it snowed. Drippy at first, but then huge feathery, beautiful flakes. The boys were in the bath and it was eight o clock at night, but I knew what Munch wanted and I wanted it, too. We suited up and went out to frolick. The Baby had enough after five minutes; he couldn't see what all the fuss was about. "I'm cold and I'm wearing more clothes than usual. Fuck this." So he went inside and sat in Bruce's lap while Munch and I trudged through the snow, threw snowballs and made a small snowman. We sang snowy songs and made track and had an hour of snowy togetherness that just made my month.<br /><br />Oh, and I like Munch's atom bomb sneak attack tactic. "Hey mom, look at my snowball that I made."<br />"That's a pretty goo-" *BIFF*<br /><br />"Hey! You can't show it to me then hit me with it!"<br /><br />"Yes I can."<br /><br />Towards the end of the snowman making, Kevin showed up and Munch did his reading with Kevin, drank some hot chocolate and went to bed. Then Kevin and I sat up for two hours eating chocolate chip cookies and playing a new board game of his (Kevin has the best games...Trinny can vouch) and really had a great time.<br /><br />What a great night! Totally went from thinking I was going to have an incredibly sucky night to having a fantastic evening. Oh, and I took some pictures of Munch playing in the snow; I'll post them tomorrow.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-72604127581008685882008-02-12T13:18:00.003-08:002008-02-12T13:18:44.514-08:0001/16/084:28:33 PM) ces0008: Now I'm eyeing the dishes with trepidation; after dishes I'm making savory crepes for dinner<br />(4:28:43 PM) ces0008: Then settling in to be really depressed.<br />(4:28:46 PM) smirkingatyou: nice nice<br />(4:28:52 PM) ces0008: Because, you know, its wednesday.<br />(4:29:00 PM) smirkingatyou: i also have a pile of daunting dishes<br />(4:29:08 PM) ces0008: Mmmm, daunting dishes.<br />(4:29:34 PM) smirkingatyou: of course, daunting dishes aren't nearly as bad as scary german panties.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />(4:30:45 PM) ces0008: Okay...that was funny.Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1863206973152333390.post-68402581904913566872008-02-12T13:18:00.001-08:002008-02-12T13:18:10.489-08:0001/14/08Okay, I don't mean to come off sounding like an asshole, but if any of you who might be thinking of using the words"You're coping with this surprisingly WELL" could REFRAIN, I would really appreciate it.<br /><br />I've just heard these words three times (once from my mom, once from my grandmother and once from a friend who barely knows me) in the past 48 hours, and I just want to scream. How does one cope 'well' with something like this, anyway? I'm coping 'well' because I can go from fine to crying in two seconds because my dog put her head in my lap? I'm coping well because I go for two days without crying at all and then call and scream at my son's school's front desk clerk, "THE LAST TIME SOMEONE I LOVED DIDN'T SHOW UP THEY WERE DECAPITATED!" A+ I got overwhelmed last night and told Munch to 'shut up.' I think I'm at least 130lbs right now, which for me is abnormally heavy.<br /><br />So yes, I'm doing okay, and I'm glad I'm doing okay; none of these things are so horrible I need to be locked up, but telling me I'm coping 'surprisingly well' is almost like saying, "Gee, you don't seem nearly as upset as you should be." >:(Lolahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13991796188585154633noreply@blogger.com0