01/21/08

Warning: Gruesome and sad

Some idiot who might be considered an aquaintence of mine felt the need to drop me an email a few days ago to let me know that they found Mere's head not only separately (Which we all knew) but sitting up on a tree stump, facing the cops when GMH brought them to it. It REALLY upset me that night...I'm not sure how it makes it different...but it does....then last night I started thinking about it again, when I read an email from Kim's mom.

I keep running into her in my life...scrolling down through my cellphone...Mere is right above 'mom'....whom I call most often. Logic would dictate I would just remove her.. its not like I can call her, but I won't. And her Mii...roaming around the other miis on our wii...I want to tell this stupid little cartoon figure..."You look so happy. Did you know you're dead? Did you know they found your head on a tree stump?"

I barely slept last night. Blix even got up with the kids so I could catch up this morning, but I woke up and immediately started thinking of how cold it must have been, how cold she must have been.

I want to hug her. I want to hug her and tell her about her memorial...about how much we all loved her. People who didn't even KNOW her fell in love with her. Her laugh...she didn't have this musical laugh or this pretty laugh...she had this kind of goofy, "You would think she was pretending if you couldn't tell there was NO WAY she was pretending" kind of laugh, and I'm never going to hear it. But i want to tell her, "Mere, I love your laugh." And I want to hug her and hug her.

And I want to say something...to someone. I want to talk about it...and sometimes I do...all in a rush because I feel like the person listening shouldn't have to hear it...Kevin, Marisa, Blix...Its not like THEY aren't sad. It isn't like I'm not just kicking up feelings THEY were trying to get over. Then I shut up because I'm embarassed. Or I won't talk about it when my mother asks, but when my hairdresser asks? It all comes out :( And then today I didn't want to talk about it at all, but I got a phone call, spoke to an old neighbor and got an email from people offering condolences and I just want to hang up, turn away, delete the email.

I remember when Larry died, and Munch was two. I got the news and started crying and Munch ran into the room and hugged me and said, "Its okay, Mama. No monsters!"

But there are monsters. Apparently.