You know, its a hard balance. I hear strangers who never met her say, "I feel like I knew her" and my first reaction is to lash out. Its a very base reaction, animal..."No, this is my pain, my friend; you can't have her."

Then I think about her parents, Julia...her family in France. I'm just her Wednesday night junk-tv pal; am I trying to steal their pain by grieving? There is surely enough "pain" to go around 9_9

When Steve and I had our 'argument' he said to me, at one point, "Meredith was the only one who ever loved me." It really struck me, because when he said it, not for a moment did I doubt it. When I was talking to my mother about it she said, "Meredith was probably the only one who loved a lot of people."

This is very true. I think that is why so many people have been drawn to her story, drawn to her...why she is a daughter, sister, friend to so many who never met her. Meredith had an amazing capacity to love. I think that has become evident to strangers all over the globe.

I am not a perfect being. I have fought back the desire to say things like "You didn't know her like I did." But it would be dishonest to Mere to let that thought have any sort of authority. I guess I just have to acknowledge that its there, lest I seem benevolent.

So what was this post inspired by? There's a person who is supposedly 'channeling' Mere to try to find evidence about GMH. This really makes me angry. Even if I believed he could do this (Which I don't) How dare he drag her back into this after all she went through?

Then I read poems he has written for Mere and Ella, and I realize that this is a sick person. A different kinf of sick than Hilton himself, but there is definitely a wound there, festering into this overflow. I have quashed my anger, and hope that he seeks help.

So if you read this, Mr. Adams, please find help. You don't need to be the helper right now; there is something inside of you that needs healing. Please try to focus on that for a while.